


On Poker, Villainy and Death (Hell is other people)

by Naem (MistytpedNaem)



Category: Gyakuten Saiban | Ace Attorney
Genre: Crack, Humor, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-25
Updated: 2010-09-25
Packaged: 2017-10-21 03:30:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/220424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistytpedNaem/pseuds/Naem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Silly little thing written for the kink meme, under the prompt <i>"In a deep, dark room in the lowest levels of Hell, von Karma, Gant, Matt, Dahlia and Kristoph play a game of poker and agrue about who was more awesome/evil."</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	On Poker, Villainy and Death (Hell is other people)

"Shut the hell up, dude. Can we just get on with this and stop having the discussion we've already had, like, a hundred times?"

"But we've played poker 'like, a hundred times' too and it always ends the same way! You know, with Manny throwing a tantrum, Krissy losing his money AND his marbles..."

"Silence! I said I would win this match in four minutes - no more, no less - and your pointless banter will not stand in my way!"

Silence fell... for a few minutes, at least. Considering the ensemble at hand, those were some pleasant and peaceful minutes. They came to an end shortly after Kristoph Gavin's smile twitched.

"I call your bluff!" Gant yelled with a punch to the table that nobody heard over his booming voice. Kristoph responded in a manner as civilised as he could, by throwing his (mediocre) hand up in the air with a "GRAH."

"Please, Mr. Gavin..." The disdain in Dahlia's eyes was further accentuated by the way she flicked her hair. "I find you charming enough, but it's at times like these I have to wonder if you really are clueless as to why most people think you're an idiot."

Kristoph's lips remained nervous, but now the rest of his body was beginning to catch up as well. "What are you..."

"Oh, by the way," Gant interrupted, "It's been _five_ minutes, Manny!" The glare von Karma threw him would have made a lesser man break, but not him. No, Damon Gant was accustomed to it.

"... So, dudes, this isn't going anywhere, right?" Matt Engarde edged closer to Dahlia, not very subtly. "'Cause I have someone-- some _stuff_ to do and..."

Manfred's wrath shifted from Gant to Matt. "You are going NOWHERE until the victor has been decided!"

"Dude, you need to chill."

Kristoph harrumphed in that professional-sounding, courteous manner that only he ever seemed to manage. It never had quite the same effect on his dead companions that it did in court, but it was still adequate at bringing attention to him. "I, for one, am inclined to agree with Mr. Engarde."

"Afraid to lose, Gavin? You never were the best at poker, were you?" Manfred's smirk made the tone of his words clear even to an outside observer.

"I'm certain you would love it if I gracefully quit now, Mr. Von Karma, but how can I ever decline an opportunity to sully your 'perfect' strategy once more?"

"Just quit it, you two!" Matt leaned back in his chair, scowling, letting his fringe of hair slip off. "You're both losers, alright? It doesn't matter which of you is better at poker or fucking with evidence or testimonies or whatever. In the end, both of you got nailed by that stupid attorney!"

The cold silence that followed was only broken by Gant's resigned sigh. "We all were, Matty."

"Oh?" Dahlia's smile was almost mocking. "'Feenie' never got me." Her smile turned darker, and she continued. "In fact, I made him _weep._ I don't think any of you can say the same, can you?"

"Oh, right!" Matt chuckled. "That's right, my bad. I forgot you were tag-teamed by Mr. Attorney _and_ Lady Fanservice."

Dahlia was enraged, - oh, she was - but turning away from him was enough for her to recompose herself. "This coming from someone who died as a pathetic, sobbing mess begging for his life?"

Matt paled and shut his mouth.

"Come to think of it, I can see some fun times ahead for us when the man finally gets here," Gant said, amused, giving Matt a glance of utter mockery.

" _I-If_ he gets here," the dead actor forced himself to say.

"Matt..." The way Dahlia spoke to him now was exactly the same she had adressed Kristoph with earlier. "Everybody dies."

"Let the boy have some hope, will you, Thorny? Ohohoho!"

"Like having to deal with Juan wasn't enough of a bitch already..."

"Ah, but that _is_ the point of this place, is it not? To 'deal with it'..." Kristoph had calmed down by this point, though something about the way he adjusted his glasses gave him a curiously defensive look. "'It' being the results of the supposed sins we committed in life. Such is the nature of our eternal punishment."

"Do you have to speak so flowery all the time, dude?"

"Besides... ' _Supposed_ sins'? Do you think you did nothing wrong in life, Mr. Gavin?" Upon being met with the man's silence, Dahlia smirked.

"That... hardly matters." The irritation in his eyes was apparent. "Anyhow, I would not be so quick to belittle others about the way one chooses to regard afterlife, Ms. Hawthorne. Regardless of my personal beliefs, I took my fate with grace. I did not come back from the dead in a desperate, pointless attempt to exact revenge."

"Jurists," Gant chimed in, causing the defense attorney to flip the poker table with a "RRRRRRRGH" and stomp off into the distance in rage.

"Defending me, Mr. Gant?"

"Oh, no." He grinned. "I just like to poke his wounds."

"Hmph, this seems unfair," von Karma grunted.

"What does, Manny?"

" _You._ " When he crossed his arms, one aware of his past losses, as Damon Gant was, would be able to spot the rigidity of his right shoulder. "We are all miserable here - _I_ have to put up with Gregory Edgeworth coming down here once a week only to harass me - but you... you are always, constantly, invariably," his teeth gritted harder as he progressed through several more angry adverbs, " _Jolly_ , as you would put it."

"Ah, I wouldn't be so sure, Manny." He tugged at a lock of his hair, a look of vague nostalgia in his eyes. "Try as I might, I haven't figured out how to swim in lava yet..."

As Manfred brought the palm of his hand to his face, a sharp-dressed gentleman with bright red skin rivalled only by one of last week's arrivals and a pair of horns not quite as pointy as Phoenix Wright's hair came by. "Hey guys, sorry to interrupt - you all do a really good job, by the way, it's always a blast to watch you - but it's Daily Vent Time. You know the regulations by now, anyone thrown in here by a lawyer or someone related to the law is bound to it. Alright, that's all, carry on."

Von Karma and Dahlia sighed in annoyance, Matt twitched and Gant simply smiled. "Well, it's not like there's a way around it, everyone! Now, in 3, 2, 1..."

The screams of "EEEEEDGEWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH," "MIIIIAAAAAAAAA FFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEYYYYY," "GGGGGggGGUUUUUIIIIIiiiIIIIIITTTTyyyyyYYYYYYYY," a "WWWRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIGHT" from further away and a combination of booming laughter and applause echoed through all of Hell, coming to an end within a minute of their beginning. Except for the laughter - the laughter went on.

"Damon." Manfred groaned, his fingers digging into his arm. "It's over already."

He abruptly stopped. "Hmm? Oh, I know." After a brief pause, he shrugged with a grin. "I just really like Daily Vent Time."

 


End file.
